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The Eight Samurai/Transcript
Hank Yarbo: There's a gas station in the city that's got this contest to win an awesome BBQ. Brent Leroy: Nice. Hank: Some places give you a free car wash with every fill-up. Brent: Good deal. Hank: This one place, hands out glasses with hockey team logos on 'em. Free! Brent: What a time to be alive. Hank: How come you don't do stuff like that? Brent: Tell you what Hank. Go to my house, fire up the BBQ and make yourself a hot dog. Go into the kitchen cupboards, grab any glass you want and keep it. Grab the garden hose, wash you truck, all that stuff for free, providing, you pay for this tank of gas, today. Hank: See? There's always a catch with you. Brent: Did you get a rabbit? Lacey: No, this is for the composter. You know what a composter is, don't you? Brent: Of course. It composts things. Things that are compostable. Turns it into compostage. Lacey: Wow, you're like a real expert. Brent: Oh, we all have our areas of expertise. Mine's composting. When did you get into the green thing? Lacey: Ah, David Suzuki kind of inspired me. I watched this show on global warming the other night... TV Announcer: "Pretty Woman" will not be seen tonight so we can bring you David Suzuki's "Planet in Peril." Lacey: Aw, crap. Lacey: It really opened my eyes. You're disappointed there's no rabbit, aren't you? Brent: I'll work through it. Lacey: You know Brent, there's so many things you can do to help the planet. Like composting or, you know that thing that rock stars do? Brent: Ooo, I'll do that. I assume it has something to do with groupies? Lacey: Carbon trading. You offset your driving by turning off your air conditioning. Reduce your carbon footprint. Brent: How about I just try to not step in any carbon? Emma Leroy (phone): Oh, good news. We just got a package from a town in Japan. Fitzy Fitzgerald (phone): Really? Emma (phone): Yeah, they want to twin with Dog River. Fitzy (phone): I never thought we'd twin again after Henkenvyorken. Emma: So next item, the gift for Henkenvyorken. Hank: Oh, don't worry, I already sent them something. Karen Pelly: What? Hank: Oh, just a little taste of Dog River. Some gasoline from Corner Gas, some fertilizer from the field and battery from my truck. Henkenvyorken Mayor (in Danish): It's a bomb! Clear the building! It's a bomb! Fitzy (phone): So, what did we get from Japan? Emma (phone): You'll see. Bring the twinning committee over and I'll show you. Brent: What, did it suddenly get cold in here? Wanda Dollard: I told you, I was leaving early. Brent: No you didn't. Wanda: I implied it by leaving early lots of other times. Hank: You should have seen this coming. Wanda: I'm covering for Phil at the bar while he's on vacation. Brent: Wow, he must have been desperate. Wanda: Why would you say that? He was, but why would you say that? Hank: Because bartenders are usually more sympathetic and friendly than you are. Wanda: Who asked you, doorknob? Brent: You should have seen that coming. Brent: I'll have another plate of french fries, please. Just doin' my part. Lacey: Doing your part to what? Stop your heart from beating? Brent: No, but thanks for the hex. The french fry thing is just like the carbon trading thing. I've exchanged my salad intake with Karen here in exchange for her french fry intake. Karen: I ordered soup. Brent: The overall Dog River french fry footprint has not expanded. Karen: Could I maybe get that soup to go? Lacey: Brent, you're not taking any of this seriously. You know, we could win an award. Brent: For eating fries? Karen: Doesn't have to have to be a large soup, I'd take a small. Lacey: For businesses that reduce their energy. Karen: I think I've got some tic tacs in the car. I'll just eat those. Lacey: Look it, our two businesses combined in the same building, we could have a real shot. Who ordered the soup? Oscar Leroy: The branch is trespassing on this property. It's illegal. Davis Quinton: First of all, this is my yard, so it's not your problem. Oscar: See what can happen? Emma: The sword! Fitzy: So, let's see it. Emma: See what? Karen: The gift from Japan. Emma: It's not here. Helen Jensen: I thought you said you got it. Emma: No, I said that I got it in the sense that I understood it. And let me tell you, it's great. Karen: Well, how do you know if they didn't send it? Emma: It's in their letter. Helen: Well, let's see the letter. Emma: It's in Japanese. Karen: I know some Japanese. Emma: I burned it. It said to. To honour the paper spirit. You see, I know Japanese too, Karen. Karen: I wonder what the gift from Japan is? Davis: All right Oscar, that's enough. My turn. Hank: Hey Wanda. I'm about to make your day. Wanda: By going straight home without finishing this conversation? Hank: No, check it out. This book has every drink imaginable. Help you be a better bartender. Wanda: "Mix it Up, Baby. Drinks for swinging cats." That's great if you want to get drunk and swing cats. Hank: Oh no, c'mon. It's like, it's like art meets alcohol. It's like um, artcohol. Wanda: No, people here like their old stand-bys. Rye and coke, rye and water, rye and ginger. Maybe I should order more rye. Hank: That's just because they haven't had the option. They'll change their mind once they've tried ah, gin and tonic. Wanda: Together? Oof. Wanda: So, what's your poison? Emma: I need something cold and stiff. Wanda: Have you checked the morgue? Just a little bartender humour for you. Scotch on the rocks OK? Emma: Thanks. Wanda: So, what's on your mind, sister-friend? Emma: Well, I just lost something and I'm not sure where it went. Wanda: I hear ya, the spark between you and Oscar has faded away. Emma: No, I mean yes, but that's not it. Wanda: The flame, the passion, all down the crapper. Pardon my French. If you need to cry, I got shoulders. Emma: When's Phil coming back? Lacey: Brent, if we really try we could be the greenest business in Dog River. Brent: Wow, you dream about these things but you never expect they'll actually happen to you. Hank: Hey guys. Say goodbye to your boring old booze. Check out these snazzy cocktails. Brent: I just want a rye and water. Lacey: Ooo, a Singapore Sling. I haven't had one of those since college. Hank: Oh, I didn't know you went to school in Singapore. Brent: Hey Wanda, can you make my a Singapore Sling? Wanda: No time. The Wilsons are talking divorce over here and I'm trying to sort out the Turcott's financial problems. Brent: Well, as long as you're keeping it all confidential. Francine Turcott: Our finances are fine. Wanda: Guess you won't have any problem with the tip then. Just a little bartender humour for ya. Hank: Hey, can I make Lacey's sling? The directions are right here in the book. Wanda: Fine, but there's three rules behind the bar. Shut up, don't annoy me and shut up. Hank: That doesn't make any sense. The first and third rule are the same. Wanda: Well, you broke all three. Wanda: What'll you have old-timer? Oscar: Old-timer? Just give me a beer. Wanda: Sure thing, and if you ever need to talk, I'm here for you. Oscar: Is there beer for me? Wanda: You bet, or, if you ever want to ask me stuff... Oscar: Like, where's my beer? Hank: Here you go folks. Brent: What the hell are these? Hank: "Surf Dreams." Only, I couldn't find coconut so I use potatoes. I call them "Turf Dreams." Lacey: Why is it red? Hank: Oh, that's ketchup, I couldn't find any grenadine. Oscar: You ever notice that every few weeks either me or Hank or Wanda has some crazy new job? Emma: I hadn't noticed and I'm sure no one else has either. Anyway, did you see anything unusual around the house today? Oscar: Oh, you mean your new hedge cutter? Davis and I were using it. Emma: It's not a hedge cutter, it's a... Karen: Hey guys! Oscar: It's a what? Emma: Hedge trimmer. Karen: Great news about Japan, huh? Oscar: Who'd they attack now? Karen: No, the twinning thing. We should send them a gift fast before they get cold feet. Oscar: But make sure it's a decent gift this time. We don't want another Henkenvyorken. Crowd (in Danish): Dog River, bad twin! Dog River, bad twin! Newscaster (in Danish): There was more protest and anger today towards Dog River, Henkenvyorken's former twin city. Emma: It wasn't my fault! Oscar: Keep telling yourself that. Wanda: Hey there, stranger. Davis: Stranger? It's me, Davis. Wanda: It's called small talk, genius. I mean, pal. So, good day today? Davis: Yeah, pretty good. Wanda: I hear ya. Good, but not great. Davis: No, wouldn't say that. Wanda: Something else eating ya? Davis: No, I don't think so. Wanda: But you're not sure. Davis: Guess I'm not. What do you think it is? Wanda: Have you talked to Karen about it? Davis: Should I? Wanda: You might want to. Davis: 'Cause she's the problem. Wanda: You tell me. Davis: Maybe she is. I don't know. I need to think about this. Thanks Wanda. Wanda: Oh, that's what I'm here for. Karen: Hey. Davis: Hey. Karen: Everything OK? Davis: I don't know, is it? Karen: I think so. Davis: OK. Karen: OK. Lacey: Hey, Brent. Look what I got us. I'll put it in the middle so all you have to do is walk an extra ten feet with your bottles. Brent: But the garbage can is right there. That's like, ten inches. Lacey: OK, we'll put it on your side. You've done nothing on this going green thing, have you? Brent: I beg your pardon, what do you call that? Lacey: Somebody's bike. Brent: Somebody named me. Lacey: You expect me to believe that you, Brent Leroy, rode a bike to work? Brent: Well, stranger things have happened. Lacey: Yeah, like maybe twice in the history of the world. The big bang, evolution of the platypus and then you on a bike. Brent: OK, funny lady. Well, I'm just about to head home for lunch, so... Lacey: So, you'll be riding your bike? Brent: Yes, that is a true statement. Here I go. Lacey: OK. Brent: On my bike. OK, all right. Getting wound up here, see you later. So long. Brent (phone): Is Tom still there? Wanda (phone): Yeah, he's wondering why you stole his bike. Emma: Hey, Davis. You haven't seen my new hedge trimmer, have you? Davis: Your what? Emma: It's kinda long and Japanesy-looking. Davis: Oh, Oscar's wood chopper. Yeah, it's great. I lent it to Josh at the Ruby. Hank: These are good grilled cheeses. Oscar: Yeah, nicely cut. Karen: So, what are we getting our Japanese twin town? Oscar: Hockey stick, it's Canadian. Karen: I know, but that's lame. It's like them sending us a samurai sword. Hank: That would be lame. We should just do what we did last time. Henkenvyorken Staff #1 (in Danish): Why is Dog River trying to kill us? Henkenvyorken Mayor (in Danish): Just get out of the building! Get out of the building! Hank: OK, fine. How about this novelty bowling ball candle? Karen: No. Karen: Hey. Davis: Hey. Karen: Wanna drink? Davis: Actually, I was just leaving. Karen: I think Davis is mad at me about something. Wanda: Oh, so that's what he was hinting about the other day. Karen: He talked to you about it? Wanda: People open up to me. Karen: Why is he mad at me? I do all the work! Wanda: Maybe that's the problem. Karen: You think? Wanda: Well, I don't not think it isn't it. Karen: I guess that's it. Thanks Wanda. Wanda: Hey, solving problems is what I do. Hank: Do you realize you can't get dried lime rind in this town? Or even a passable papaya? I mean, just look at this mango. Brent: That's an apple. Hank: Oh, hope the other customers aren't as sharp as you are. Emma: How's the green queen? Lacey: Oh, thank you. I wish Brent were as supportive. Emma: Well, sometimes with Brent, OK, all the time with Brent, you have to take matters into your own hands. Lacey: I know, do you know that I still have to put ice cubes in his soup to let it cool down? What a mama's boy. Which is a good thing. Emma: You haven't seen Oscar's wood chopper, have you? Lacey: I don't think so. Emma: It's long with a brown handle. Lacey: Oh, you mean Josh's sandwich slicer. Emma: I asked him and he said he hadn't seen it. Lacey: So, listen Emma, I was thinking I...oh. OK, bye. Hank: Hey, Emma. Fuzzy navel? Emma: None of your business. Hank: Your loss. Oh, almost forgot the mango. Karen: OK, what's your problem? You won't tell me, your partner, but you'll spill to Wanda? Davis: I didn't spill to Wanda, she said that you might be the problem. Karen: How am I the problem? You're the one with the problem, she said so. Davis: I didn't have a problem until you starting being the problem. Karen: I don't even know what the problem is. Davis: Neither do I. Davis: We didn't have any problems until we started talking to you. Wanda: I see, so you're having trouble communicating. Davis: Sometimes. So, the problem is me and Karen? Wanda: You tell me. Karen: Well, I suppose that...wait a minute. She's doing it again. Wanda: Am I really? Oscar: I order a scotch and soda. Hank: Oh, too complicated. Try this. Oscar: I can't even taste the liquor. Hank: It's got cinnamon, papaya, uh, cherry juice, lemon rind, Tom Collin mix, and...I may have forgot the booze. Oscar: I'm going home. Hank: Oh, watch the highways, I heard the Mounties are doin' that ride thing. Oscar: The musical ride? Hank: No, the R.I.D.E. program. Oscar: The musical R.I.D.E. program? Mountie: Any alcohol to drink, sir? Oscar: No! Mountie: Very good, then you're free to go. Oscar: That's great. Mountie: Just as soon as this song's finished. Then we have our Beatles medley. You won't want to miss that. Hank: Whatever. I'm just glad they're doing their bit to stop drunk drivers. Oscar: Just like you and your boozeless drinks. Brent: Can't believe you're buying gas. I thought you gave up on this stuff. Lacey: I know, I'm ashamed. Can you check my oil and washer fluid? Lacey: Wanda, I'm taking matters into my own hands. I was putting these up in the Ruby and I had an idea. And I think this idea is gonna last way longer than all my other ideas. Wanda: So, you're gonna put this up in here? Lacey: Yeah, without Brent knowing. Can you create a diversion? Wanda: Sure thing. I'll start a fire. Hand me those newspapers. Lacey: Or you could just talk to him. Wanda: Yawn. Wanda: Hey, Brent. Brent: Yeah. Wanda: Explain to me how when the Hulk gets big his shirt rips right off and his belt snaps in half and his shoes explode off his feet, but his pants still fit? Brent: Simple, Dr. Banner invented super-stretchy pants. Emma: Hey, Hank. Have you seen a long, sharp, ah, I don't know how to describe it. Hank: You mean samurai sword? Emma: This sword has caused nothing but trouble. Oscar: What are you doing with my hedge cutter? Emma: Cleaning the fuzz out of my navel. Oscar: I didn't know it was a navel defuzzer. Emma: It's not, it's a gift from our twinning town in Japan. Oscar: Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho, and you lost it! Emma: I didn't lose it, you stole it. Oscar: Yeah, but I'm not responsible for me. Oh, you screwed up big time. Boy, I don't know who to tell first, Fitzy or Karen, ho, ho, ho, ho. Emma: I'll tell them myself, I take responsibility for my actions. Brent: Is there a total solar eclipse today that I wasn't told about? Fitzy: What was wrong with the hockey stick? Karen: I wanted something from Dog River that speaks of who we are. Emma: OK, I know you're all probably gonna make fun of me but...here it is. Fitzy: Davis' paper cutter. Helen: Oscar's wood chopper. Karen: You mean Josh's sandwich slicer. Fitzy: It's the perfect gift for our twin town! Helen: Something from Dog River we all use! Karen: And it's kinda Japanesy. Good thinking, Emma. Emma: I do what I can. Wanda: Hey Phil, you're back early. Phil Kinistino: Yeah, vacation troubles. Wanda: I hear you. Phil: Got a lot of complaints. Wanda: Well, Phil, people are funny animals in this old zoo we call life. Phil: Complaints about you. Wanda: I hear you. Pull up a stool and tell me all about it. Phil: You're fired. Wanda: I hear you. Pardon? Lacey: See, when your eyes adjust to the new light bulbs it seems just as bright as before. Brent: Yeah. Hey look everyone, it's Al Goar. Lacey: That doesn't even look like Al Goar. Brent: Not Al Gore, former US vice president, Al Goar, from Goar Fertilizer up the road. Lacey: Of course. Fitzy: Al heads up the regional environmental committee. He has good news. Al Goar: Congratulations Brent. On behalf of the regional committee, we want to present you with this plaque. Brent: Well, thank you! Lacey: Ah, we worked on this together. Fitzy: Yeah, but Corner Gas did a lot more to cut its power usage. Brent: Enviro-hero. I should have a cape. Lacey: Mmm. Fitzy: You should really replace these bulbs with compact fluorescents. Goar: And you might want to turn your AC down too. Brent: Well, this is nice. Lacey: OK, so you got the plaque but I guess the real winner here is the environment. Brent: No, the real winner is Brent Leroy. See? It says right there. Hank: Hey, do we need more gifts for Japan? 'Cause I got this great idea. Toys from Dog River, hah? Check it out. I got plastacine, red and green pipe cleaner, a toy clock... Emma, Karen and Oscar: No! Karen: They're already mad at us for Emma's gift. Japanese Assistant (in Japanese): Is this some kind of joke? They dishonour the sword spirit. Japanese Mayor (in Japanese): Henkenvyorken was right. They are a bad twin. Emma: It wasn't my fault. Oscar: You keep telling yourself that. Category:Transcripts